I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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