I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
