just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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