P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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