you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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