omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she smelled like a LAN party
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
