I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You had me at "let me see your balls"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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