i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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