so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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