i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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