I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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