apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
