im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
