When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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