ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
