remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
