Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
