Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
