I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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