They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
