Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
