Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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