mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
