thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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