My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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