i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.