Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."