I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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