dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
