remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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