he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
