If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
