Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
