Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
