Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
