If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
