another moral hangover. fuck.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Are we still banned from the library?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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