I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just googled if crying burns calories
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
