Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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