Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
