I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
there's paper in my vomit.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
