My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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