new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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