I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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