Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
