Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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