Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We left the knife in your bed.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
