worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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