Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
