How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
They have beer where we have blood.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
