It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
