I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
