I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
