More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
