he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
