SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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