ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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