So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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