Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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