I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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